…That Feeling

On our honeymoon we went to San Andres, an  island in Colombia on the caribbean.  We love the sea, and it’s one of the reasons we now live just a short walk away from the beach.

We decided to do the short diving course that the hotel offered, we thought it would be a nice activity to do together as newlyweds. After a session of diving theory we got to practice in a natural pool with all the gear. All this, to lead up to an excursion on the open sea to explore life 24 meters underwater.

I have my respect for the sea. When I was small, I almost drowned. A terrifying experience and a reminder that God’s hand was on me. But I still love the sea, there’s something about salt, water, sand and sun…Just the thought of these take you on an instant holiday!

You can imagine that on the big excursion day I was very nervous but I told myself over and over that this was good and an opportunity to overcome my fear. Plus, my man was there to hold my hand all the way. A small motor boat took us and our Argentinian instructor to a deep far away place in the vast ocean. We get all geared up and sit on the edge of the little rocking boat to get ready to flip backwards into the water… Oh just to think there is a whole unknown world under my feet…

15 minutes in, Rickus’s tank is empty so he hooks into mine and we share the tank. Hand in hand, we continue exploring keeping watch on our oxygen meter for we noticed it was going down very quickly. We try to get the instructor’s attention and  all of the sudden I breath in and no oxygen, we turn to each other and signal “NO OXYGEN”. We look up and it looks far…we look for our instructor and don’t see him anywhere…Rickus points up and I feel fear creeping back, my heart starts beating faster and I feel my lungs shrink. He holds my hand tightly and we swim up and up and up, and fast up.

In diving there are certain risks, one of them is swimming up too fast. It has to do with the pressure underwater and the nitrogen in our lungs contained in the compressed air we were breathing down there. When we took our last breath and decided we had to ascend, we were both aware of the risk but our lungs were empty and we needed air, and fast. Maybe that’s what saved us from other serious injuries…Again God’s hand on us.

I panicked once my head was above water. I felt like I was sinking back down and forgot about that little button in my life jacket that inflates and helps me stay above water. I looked around and we were alone in this vast body of water. I couldn’t even see the shore, my heart raced.  Rickus saw the panic, pressed the button so my life jacket would inflate and calmed me with his words.  Seconds later our instructor came up…. “Hey!!! That was fun wasn’t it?!!”. With  fresh air in my lungs and floating above water, maybe a little pale and a good amount of adrenaline rushing through me, I smiled and fear disappeared again.

On the little boat back to dry land Rickus asked me if I’d dive again…I said I would. Because right there and then I felt stronger, I had done it and I felt more alive than ever!!

Is fear a bad thing afterall? We grow up being taught that fear is negative. We even say things like “Don’t panic”, “You need to overcome that fear”.  As if fear is a weakness, something that has to be conquered, an enemy. I’ve been  chewing on this lately and mostly because of the uncertain times we’re living.  It isn’t necessarily part of my common conversations with people, but when we become real, the truth is that’s it’s scary.

If I had to define it today, I would have to say that fear is that incredible imaginative ability to see the future and to remind me of my human limitations. But it’s also an invitation to learn and to grow, to give up comfort and to allow room for miracles. A life changing opportunity to give up control and to come out stronger. A reminder that I’m alive.

When fear comes we have the choice to fight it or to use it as fuel. To even in vulnerable times as these, allow our courage to outweight our fears and not be crippled and blinded by them.

You maybe thinking its easier said than done, well, I may not be living your reality but allow me to applaud you for sticking it out, for being alive today and for being brave to read me and to consider my perspective. Know that fear comes to visit me often and it’ll spend the night if I let it. But instead of ignoring it, I choose to talk about it and question it, turn it upside down and to become familiar with it. Because it’s only then that I know it doesn’t define me and it shouldn’t define you either!

I’m still afraid of going deep into the sea, I know my limitations and I’m ok with them. We go to the sea all the time so I’m often faced with that well known feeling when my feet fail to touch the sand and the wave before me is too big for little me.  However, I have learned to position myself so that I can rather ride the wave so it can take me safely to shore without much effort or I face it and duck right under it so that it brushes over me and I can get right up and face the next one.  Its vastness never ceases to marvel me and when we witness yet another fabulous sunset I am reminded that tomorrow has it’s own worries but right now I can choose Gratefulness.